


Dear Abby

by Arwyn, leoben



Series: Advice Columns [1]
Category: due South
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, Inspired by Cards Against Humanity, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 06:26:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3164663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwyn/pseuds/Arwyn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/leoben/pseuds/leoben
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with ________ and would like your advice."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Abigail Van Buren

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Cards Against Humanity. Therefore: craaaaaaaaaack. (The crackiest part? No way would Dear Abby publish anything this long. We should be ashamed of ourselves for stretching the truth so far.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fraser tries to gain an American perspective on his troubles.

Dear Abigail Van Buren,

I write to you today because I find myself in, well, something of a pickle. Not literally “in a pickle”, of course, although I do know a man who was once in a most unfortunate industrial accident in a pickling factory, which resulted in the Yukon Territory instituting considerable improvements in workplace safety requirements -- but that’s not important right now.

What’s important is that I find myself in a, shall we say, workplace conundrum, and was directed to your daily newspaper column as containing advice, uniquely American counsel in fact, on prosaic, though hardly therefore unimportant!, situations such as I find myself in at present, and indeed, have found myself in for most of the last two years.

What situation is that, specifically?, an astute reader may ask herself. I am sorry, Ms Van Buren, as I am aware of my at-times overly-pedantic nature, and yet find myself unable to curb it. And there lies (some of, at least) the problem: the one to whom I find myself oriented, in all senses, finds me in return excessively formal, frustrating, and infuriating. (Yes, I speak of love! Prosaic and poetic both, is this problem of mine, just as the one in question is both pedestrian and, in heart at least, a poet.) 

The ancient philosophers, and indeed, classic texts and great literature from across all cultures, teach us much about the folly of love, if also of its inevitability and universality. I do not believe myself uniquely burdened hereby, but may it not also be said that each man must his own burden uniquely bear?

And I would bear this burden alone. As I mentioned, the focus of my affections (and significant respect and admiration, though I of course strive to save this person the embarrassment of too many effusions to that effect) does not, it would appear, return my sentiments. In fact, this person found me sufficiently frustrating in the past month to engage in an exchange of fisticuffs. There were, of course, extenuating circumstances, and our working relationship (and, perhaps, friendship?) has since been repaired, but nevertheless, I think this sufficiently points to but one conclusion: the recipient of my desire does not in return desire me. Therefore, and I think you’ll agree, perhaps the wisest course of action is to distance myself from the situation.

There are complications, naturally: Our working partnership is efficient and important, both to the public welfare and to another dear friend, whose safety relies on our continued association. It might be possible, at this juncture, given the unfortunate physical exchange between us referenced above, to use this as reason enough to step away from each other publicly -- and indeed, this person was offered such a chance. But for reasons I do not fully understand, the choice was made, by them, not to do so.

In the end, I find myself at a loss, both in writing you this letter, and in my life. I cannot stay in this situation, as I find it more agonizing daily. And yet, I cannot leave, not without the loss of my heart. I wouldn’t perish -- I am acquainted with loss -- but I fear I wouldn’t feel so dearly, so tenderly again. Perhaps, though, that would be for the best. 

I await your response.

Sincerely,  
A Mountie

 

Dear Mountie,

I know you wrote to me for advice on pushing your feelings aside, but I think I can do you one better. Why do you think your friend stayed with you? Is it really because of work requirements? Do you really think they couldn’t have found a way out, if they wanted? Frankly, it seems to me that if they can put up with you, assuming you’re anything at all like your letter, there must be an excellent reason. I’d urge you to put effort into finding out what that reason is -- and I think what you discover might surprise you. Trust me.

In other words, Mountie: go get your man!

-Abby


	2. Yo, Miss Manners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray takes his turn -- maybe a more civilized approach will help him get through to Fraser?

Dear Miss Manners,

What would be the best way to go about courting my (Canadian) work partner?

I've tried asking my ex-wife out in front of him several times, you know, just to see if he gets jealous, but nada. I'm pretty sure he likes me though, because he kissed me underwater once (he claimed it was to save my life and called it “buddy breathing”) but I don't wanna ruin anything because we work together and are good buddies.

I don't really speak Canadian so I was thinking maybe I could ask him out and then say I was kidding if he says no?

 

Gentle reader:

First of all, asking your ex out just to garner a reaction from a potential lover is at best rude and at worst harassment. Miss Manners thinks you need to take a more direct approach.

Secondly, I'm not sure what you mean by “speak Canadian.” I'm hoping that's a joke, even though it's in bad taste. Miss Manners thinks you need to take a more direct approach. Be yourself and tell your partner how you feel, without making jokes about it. It's obvious he cares a great deal about you and I would suggest you show him the respect due.

Perhaps you can invite him to a friendly, quiet dinner where you can talk. I suggest you take care in how you broach the subject since you two work together (quite closely, I gather). Tell him how you feel without making a joke about it—feelings are not to be toyed with.


End file.
